


Everyone but Tom, Dick, and Harry

by persephoneapple



Series: A Series of Nonsensical Events [30]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crushes, Developing Relationship, M/M, Names, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-08-13 00:03:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7954255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/persephoneapple/pseuds/persephoneapple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Potter finds out that Draco has a list of 'undateable' people, he wants to know why his name is on the list.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everyone but Tom, Dick, and Harry

**Author's Note:**

> **Everyone but Tom, Dick, and Harry**  
>  **Harry/Draco [PG, 2325 words]**  
>  **Disclaimer:** JK Rowling and co own everything. I’m writing for fun and not for profit.  
>  **A/N:** I got the inspiration for this fic from this [Wikipedia page](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom,_Dick_and_Harry). Unbeta'd and I'm not sure how well this turned out. Now that my summer vacation is over, I can write more fic. :)

“Absolutely not!” Draco says loudly, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“You didn’t even let me finish the question, Malfoy.” Potter leans forward on Draco’s desk, his green eyes staring intently at Draco. A few seconds under Potter’s stare is all it takes to make Draco squirm, but he refuses to break eye contact.

“The answer is still the same and will not change.”

Potter looks away first. He slowly steps away from the desk and shakes his head. “Why? I don’t see what the big deal is. It doesn’t even have to be a date. We can just go out and get something to eat at the Leaky.” Draco watches as Potter bites his lips and it takes every ounce of self-control Draco has not to go over to him and kiss him on his stupid mouth.

Draco stands and Summons his cloak, brushing off imaginary lint once he’s thrown it over his shoulders. “Right. ’Going out to eat’ as you say, is something I do with my friends and family, Potter. You are neither.”

Potter rolls his eyes. “Come on, Malfoy, we’ve shared the same office space for six years without killing each other. Surely that has to count for something?”

Draco snorts at Potter’s stubbornness. “Potter, you must have a very terrible memory if you don’t recall the first month in this office. I ignored you and it didn’t take long for you to send small hexes at me. When I still ignored you, you had the audacity to complain to Shacklebolt about how I was refusing to cooperate. Only then was I cordial to you because I didn’t want to lose my job, which I’ve worked hard for, mind you, for having irritated the Savior.”

Potter scowls at the mention of the nickname, rubbing at the mess he calls hair like he usually does whenever he’s agitated. It only proceeds to make his hair even messier and gets Draco distracted from more pressing matters. Like the fact that Potter had just asked him on a date.

“But you haven’t given me a valid reason,” Potter says at last, flustered. He pushes his glasses higher on his nose and stares owlishly at Draco. “I know you have an interest in me,” Potter says quietly. 

It’s an automatic reflex for Draco to deny the accusation, no matter that it’s actually the truth, but hearing Potter say that out loud has his tongue-tied and for once, words fail him. He sits back down and sighs.

Seeing this, Potter hurries on to add, “Do you want to know how I know? Because Pansy told me. And guess what? I definitely am interested in you.”

 _Damn it, Pansy!_ Draco thinks for spilling his secret and quickly closes his eyes just so Potter can’t see the effect those words have on him. Potter asking him out on a date is certainly one thing he has always hoped for, but never dreamed would ever happen. After all, he’s been Potter’s Auror partner for six years and not once has Potter extended an invitation anywhere that wasn’t Ministry sanctioned. Why should today be different?

Draco opens his eyes. He wishes he hadn’t, once he’s seen that Potter has rounded the desk to stand right in front of him. Even from where Draco is sitting, Potter’s messy fringe can’t hide how earnest he looks. 

“Ha ha, very funny, Potter,” Draco says.

“I’m not kidding!” Potter exclaims. 

“Neither am I,” Draco says, but Potter cuts him off.

“What are you afraid of?”

“I’m not afraid of anything,” Draco snaps, his patience wearing thin. All he wants to do is go home, take a hot bath, drink a bottle of wine, or two, send Pansy a Howler, and absolutely not think of Potter. At all. “You want a reason? Here’s three: One: you and I have always been enemies, never friends. What makes you think that we will be great lovers?” 

Potter’s cheeks turn bright red and he looks away, muttering something that Draco can’t understand. But he doesn’t stop to ask because he’d rather have the upper hand than risk being flustered by what Potter has to say.

“Two: we are complete opposites. You are very much straight. Or have I been imagining the women that have stood by your side on the front page of the _Daily Prophet_?”

“They’re my friends!” Potter says defensively, eyes flashing. “And I’ve been photographed with men, too. It’s not my fault that the _Prophet_ is still obsessed with me and automatically thinks that I’m dating every single that I’ve been photographed with!”

“Bully for you,” Draco says. He spares one glance back at Potter, who has turned around, with his shoulders slumped and hands stuffed in his pockets. “But you want to know the real reason I won’t date you, Potter?” Draco pauses here for dramatic effect. “Your name is one of three that I will never date.”

“My name?” Potter turns around so fast that it’s a wonder he doesn’t fall straight down. 

Draco nods. “Never will consider the possibility. And before you ask, Pansy can back me up on this. She has her own list of names of people she won’t date; they’re mostly people from bad break-ups or if it’s a family member’s name.”

Potter stares at him with wide eyes. “That’s so stupid,” he says at last, shaking his head.

“You may call it that, but it’s just self-preservation. It’s fortunate that all of the Weasleys are straight and have no interest in dating men. Imagine trying to find someone that didn’t share a brother’s name.” Draco shudders at such a horrible thought. “If we are done here, then I’m leaving. We are not here to talk about your precious Weasleys, right?”

“I still think it’s a stupid idea,” Harry mutters, ignoring the insult about the Weasleys. “People don’t get a choice on what their parents name them.”

“Don’t you think I know that, Potter? Or perhaps you should go ask Weasley about what he thinks of my name. I’m sure you’ll have a good laugh over that,” Draco says, picking up his briefcase from his desk. A quick flick from his wand stacks all the piles of parchment neatly on his desk and arranges his quills, while cleaning any ink stains. He walks past Potter, trying to ignore the way the other man is biting his lips. In fact, Draco should probably ignore any part of Potter’s body if he doesn’t want to embarrass himself even further. “I have some ‘un-dateable’ names and yours makes the top three.”

“What are the other two?” Potter asks, just as Draco is about to twist the doorknob to open the door.

Draco stops, despite his mind telling him to leave already. “Do you really want to know?”

“Why not?” Harry says, and Draco jumps a little because he has not expected Potter to be standing right behind him. “They better be good reasons and not just because someone happened to annoy when you were younger.”

Draco chooses to ignore that remark even as he feels his cheeks heating up. He turns and says, “Of course I wouldn’t stoop that low, Potter.” At Potter’s look of disbelief, Draco loses some of his composure, exclaiming, “I wouldn’t! I’ll have you know that the first name is _Tom_. I know that it was the Dark Lord’s Muggle name-- What? Don’t give me that look, Potter, I can say his name.”

“I never said you couldn’t.”

“Voldemort,” Draco says slowly after a few moments, the name leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. “I’ve made too many mistakes in my life to date a bloke that has _that_ name. I’ve realized that despite all the power that Voldemort had over me and my family, in the end he was a half-blood wizard. Just like you are a half-blood wizard who managed to defeat him when no one else could, even a pureblood.”

There is a surprised look in Potter’s eyes, one that Draco hasn’t seen since the last time Draco accidentally let it slip that he was going on a date. Draco knew that Potter has heard praise before; after all, he has received higher accolades from the Minister, but perhaps hearing it from a former enemy was a bit overwhelming.

“Thanks, I guess, Malfoy,” Potter says, smiling.

Draco nods. He thinks that he might finally be able to escape and keep this entire weird conversation from his mind when Potter speaks again. There’s amusement in his voice when he asks, “So, what’s the next name, then? It can’t be worse than _Tom_.”

“That’s what you think, Potter. And don’t you dare start laughing.”

Potter nods, but there’s no guarantee.

“Richard, or to put it bluntly, I will not date a Dick. What?” Draco has to stop because Potter has indeed started laughing. It’s odd hearing it up close. Draco has to look away as he holds his head high and says, “There’s a time for dirty talk, but saying ‘Dick, Dick, Dick!’ while orgasming is just not on,” Draco continues. “Besides, Mother, when she found out I was gay, said not to think with my dick.”

“That might be the funniest thing you’ve said all year,” Potter says when he finally regains his breath. His glasses have slid down his nose, his hair is even messier than before, and his cheeks are red from laughing too much. It’s oddly charming, Draco thinks.

“I’m so glad you found that amusing,” Draco says flatly, mostly to hide how attractive Potter looks at the moment. Perhaps it’s what prompts him to say, but without the usual malice lacing his voice, “Which brings us to you, Potter. I will not date a Harry. First of all, what kind of name is that? _Harry_. Did you know that as a verb, it means to persistently carry out attacks on? It’s fitting, seeing as you’ve been doing that to me ever since our first year at Hogwarts. So, I need no other reason to give except that it’s all because of you. You ruined the name for me. Perhaps if you hadn’t ignored me when we first met, then things would have been different.” 

Draco immediately closes his mouth and winces. Shit, he’s said too much and it’s too late to take anything back.

Potter stops laughing and stares at him in disbelief. “I _ignored_ you? When?” Potter bites his lips as he thinks, shaking his head after a few moments. “Are you talking about Madam Malkin’s or when we met on the Hogwarts Express? Because if I remember correctly, you were a bit of an arse.”

“I was not!” Draco exclaims.

“Then what was with the high and mighty act?”

“I was trying to be your friend! If you think I have a stick in my arse, have always thought that, then why are you even asking me out on a date?”

“Because I think people can change!” Potter says, “In fact, I know they can. You certainly have.”

Draco doesn’t know why they’ve suddenly got into a shouting match, but hearing Potter’s honest reply has put out all the fight in him. “Is that why you are suddenly asking me out? Because after six years of nothing but acting cordial at Ministry functions, I find it hard to believe that you would want to be seen in public with me, much less on a date.”

Potter sighs, rubbing his eyes. “Merlin, Malfoy. Yes, I’ve never asked you out before, but really, have you even noticed my abysmal dating life? I’m pants at relationships and I didn’t want to screw this up before I even had a chance with you. I respect you too much to just make a clusterfuck of things.”

Oh. That is completely unexpected. Draco knows they are great Auror partners, that’s why Shacklebolt had paired them together, but to have Potter compliment him is something else altogether. It also makes Draco decide that Potter is not lying and is truly asking him out on a date. “Now you finally decided to give this a try?”

Potter smiles ruefully. “Yes. I finally have the courage.”

They don’t break eye contact and at that moment Draco wishes that he had Potter’s permission to cast a _Legilimens_ just so he can know what the other man is thinking. 

“I’ll think about it,” Draco finally says, even though he knows what his answer will be. Still, he wants to share his good news with Pansy first and perhaps make Potter wait just a little bit longer. Draco has been waiting six years, after all. 

“All I’m asking for is a chance, but I do hope you’ll say yes, even though my name is ‘undateable’,” Potter says, nodding. “Also, it’s really not that stupid to have a list of names of people you won’t date. If I had one, I’d definitely put Ron on top of that list, followed immediately by Hermione. But you’re forgetting one very important thing.”

“What’s that?” Draco asks, despite himself. 

Potter smiles. “You’re the only person who doesn’t call me ‘Harry’, no matter how many times I ask you to. I’m always ‘Potter’ to you, remember?”

Potter is right. After all these years, Draco cannot bring himself to call Harry Potter by his first name, but not for the reason everyone thinks. Draco has grown out of the urge to call him ‘Scarhead’ or ‘Savior’, but there’s really nothing else to call Potter other than ‘Potter’. _Harry_ is too personal and Draco would rather distance himself from something that, before today, had seemed unattainable. Not anymore. 

“So, let’s go on a date, yeah?” Potter asks. “I’ll even cook at home for you, anything you like.” He’s standing so close that Draco can see the fingerprint smudges on his glasses. Beyond that though, Draco sees that Potter’s eyes are wide and unguarded, waiting for his answer.

When put that way, how could Draco say no?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. If you'd like more Harry/Draco, then follow me on [tumblr](http://persephoneapples.tumblr.com/).


End file.
